Coping With Holiday Gatherings*
By Lisa Cipriano Collins, M.A.

A mother recently asked for suggestions for dealing with her husband's family who does not have experience with food allergies. She is dreading the holidays, as they do not understand the severity of her daughter's milk anaphylaxis and continually offer her food she can't eat.

I answered that although she did not list the age of her daughter, I will assume that she is a young child. This is such a loaded question, full of emotion and perhaps many unexpressed expectations such as: my husband should be completely "on board," or he should handle this as it is his "side" of the family; holiday gatherings should be joyous and safe for all; everyone should understand food allergies and know how to create a safe environment.

Recognize the Issues
There are really two issues here and it is important to realize this. First is the emotional feelings that go along with this dilemma, and the other is the simple logistics of creating a safe environment in a high-risk situation, no matter how well-meaning the people involved.

In thinking of the bottom line--keeping your child safe at a holiday gathering--we often have to divorce ourselves from the "shoulds" and the expectations and get down to the business at hand. Undeniably, there will be emotions that go along with unmet expectations--sadness, anger, fear, and feelings of loss over the carefree holidays we have imagined for our families. We may also feel frustrated with the people we think should be believing and helping us.

These emotions are best managed when they are dealt with. We may choose to deal with them in various ways that are as unique as we are. Talking, commiserating, writing, and crying are just a few potentially effective methods of processing emotion. In any event, you and your spouse may choose very different ways of dealing with these feelings, and that's OK. The important thing is that you name the feelings for yourself, validate that "yes," they are real feelings and are extremely normal given what is at stake. We accept that these feelings may not go away but at some point as we continue to deal with them as adults, we may need to put them aside to some degree and begin to deal with the realities at hand.

Start Small
In planning a safe holiday for a child, my best advice is to start small. Think about what your intentions are for your child or any child and start to think about ways that those intentions can be realized.

For instance, you and your spouse may feel that what is truly important is that your child has an enjoyable visit (SAFE!) with cousins and extended family and is able to partake in good food that you or your spouse associates with certain holidays. Again, start small. What do you need to do to make this happen? Perhaps it means arranging for your visit to be shorter, or your arrival after the majority of the food is served. You could prepare a special meal for all the children to enjoy, or bring from home a smaller menu of food just for your child. Remember that we all need to improvise...this is something all of us parents of food-allergic children have gotten to be so good at!

Alter the Expectations
Perhaps your family expects you to come and have everything be the same as it always was and perhaps part of you expects this, too. But the serious issue of food allergies and anaphylaxis in a high-risk holiday gathering of a group of people who may or may not know the ins and outs of allergy management and cross contamination make our day different. Not better or worse, but different.

You do not need to apologize to anyone about this difference. You do not need to be rude about this difference. You do not need to do a lot of explaining about this difference if you do not wish. You simply have to do what you need to do and have a united front with your spouse about the unique provisions you make for ensuring a safe day for your child.

Think Long Term
Sometimes with extended family we feel a pull to revert to our child-like beginnings and it may feel odd to stand up for ourselves in a calm and adult manner. Of course, continuing the education process of the extended family is always a good idea as the circle of those who truly "get it" will help your circle of safe choices grow larger in the coming years. Your modeling of a safe and happy child obviously enjoying the day in the way that she needs to will convey a manageability and competence that invites cooperation.

Be safe and enjoy these special times with your little ones.

* Lisa Cipriano Collins is the founder of Food Allergy Matters, specializing in the emotional impact that managing your child's food allergy may have on you, your relationships and your family. Visit Lisa at foodallergymatters.com for information on workshops, speaking engagements, personal and toll-free phone consultation. Or call 866-270-4945 for more information.

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